First: This blog is for adults only. If you are not 21 please leave.



I guess if I want anyone to take anything I say seriously here in this forum I need to explain exactly who I am and why I am here. The later first:

I am here to try and work out how I want my sexual life to proceed from this point forward. I need something more than what I have had for the past 10 years. Having already experienced an extramartial vanilla relationship and being the Dominate in an extramartial D&S relationship, I am considering now submitting to my wife. I don’t do anything half-assed so I want to be sure it is right before I move forward.

I am a Caucasian married male in my forties with a daughter in college. My wife is a few years older than me and has a son from a previous marriage. I have a college degree and would say that I am reasonable successful in my field of work.

During college and after I graduated I experimented with a few drugs. Mostly Pot. I tried Cocaine but never did enough to really notice an effect or at least an effect that I felt was worth it. Pot on the other hand was a blast. I mostly smoked it with friends, male and female, or alone. For me there is a heightened sense of awareness when high. Music seems more intense, colors more brilliant, sex more euphoric. And afterwards there was nothing like a Hostess Cherry Pie washed down with Chocolate Milk for satisfying the munchies. It even used to make me study harder. I used to get high and then go to the library and work out differential equations. Of course I would have to read things three or four times because I my mind would wonder so easily.

Up until my late thirties our sex life has always been reasonable. Frequency was a couple times a week mostly initiated by me. That said, there were some times while we were in the interim period of a move to SoCal in which the phrase ”Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” was validated. Every couple of months when we got together my wife was extremely horny and hungry for me. It was a great time sexually. At other times we experimented with some light bondage along with some voyeuristic or semi-public activities, but that is about the extreme of it. I have always loved performing oral on her and I know that I am quite good at it as she always cums that way. Perhaps because I am a little less than average in the length department, it is more difficult to make her cum from penetration. I can make it happen but she has to be work up for it and I have to move just the right way. When we cum together it is quite a bonding experience. While performing oral I have shipped my tongue across her asshole but she immediately became very self-conscious and made me stop. The only other anal we have engaged in is me penetrating her with my thumb while fingering her pussy. I don’t think she was crazy about it but she never stopped me.

My wife, in her early 40s while at her sexual peak was diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, ER Positive. This translates to malignant Breast Cancer where the cancerous cells feed off of the Estrogen in a woman’s body. The tumor size was estimated to be approximate 2cm across. Removal of the Lymph Nodes under the left arm indicated that the cancer was beginning to spread, with three of the removed node testing positive for signs of cancer. Essential, this was considered a early Stage 2 event. According to the statistics at the time Stage 2 patients has a 65% chance of achieving remission.

Doctors prescribed one of two regimes Mastectomy followed by several rounds of chemotherapy or Lumpectomy to remove the tumor followed by radiation treatment to the effected breast combined with several rounds of chemotherapy. There was very little difference in the success of the two methods of treatment, however the Mastectomy treatment was slightly more successful than the lumpectomy combined with radiation. The difference was tenths of percentage points. These treatments were 6 to 8 month processes.

Understandably, she immediately panicked and told the doctor “Just cut it off! I want it out of me!” There never was a more difficult time as a husband. I wanted her healthy and to live a long life but also felt selfish because I wanted her to keep her breast for my own selfish reason. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did. Here she is battling for her life and I am only thinking of myself. I cried for many night following. I knew the choice had to be hers so since she did not ask for my opinion I did not offer. In the end, it was her brother that told her to go for the least invasive procedure to begin with. “You can always have them taken off later should the need arise.” He told her. She opted for the Lumpectomy.

Treatment for estrogen positive cancer ruins a woman sexually. Chemotherapy kills fast growing cells, of which Cancer Cells are one such type. It also kills fast growing White Blood Cells which lowers the immune system. Sex is discouraged during this period because any tear, cut or abrasion in the membrane of the vagina could lead to complication due to infection. Additionally, chemotherapy to is targeted to kill the ovaries dramatically reducing the production of estrogen. Then the adjunctive treatment is to take estrogen blocking drugs until the blood level of estrogen is almost nonexistence. Bam! Instant Chemopause (chemical menopause) and all the undesirable associated side effect. Our sex life together was dead.

Of course I learned all about this before it actually occurred through excessive day and night research on the internet. It completely fucked me up! Again, selfishly, I was concerned about my own sexual needs and not about her battle for life. I felt our sex life was never going to be the same again. I believed after treatment she would not have any desire for me sexually. I being in my late thirties was not prepared to deal with that! She knew I was struggling with everything and we talked openly about everything. We talked about bringing someone else into the bedroom to help satisfy my needs. Perhaps in a moment of frustration she stated “You do what you have to do but I don’t what to know about it.”

More later:

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